Odd Advice
by Some1Else
Summary: After staying home for far to long, Snake begins hallucinating. Much to his discomfort, several of his dogs begin talking to him about the past and present. Is it real, or could it be cabin fever? Maybe it's something else entirely.


**Story #1 : Odd Advice.**

**By Some1Else.**

Snake awoke to a new morning when his alarm clock went off. He would have slammed his fist down on it causing it to shatter into many pieces, but he decided not to do so this time. Wal-Mart no longer believed that the clocks fell apart the instant Snake took them out of the box. It was a Monday, but Snake didn't have to care about work due to all the money he had collected from his previous occupation. Despite that, Monday's still managed to suck. In a big way. Snake grunted and threw back the sheets of his bed before leaping out and walking around the perimeter of his bedroom. This made it easier for him to wake up and also helped avoid the possibility of sleeping in. If he got himself moving, he wouldn't feel sleepy. Boot camp gave birth to that trait. When he was awake enough, Snake carefully switched off his buzzing alarm clock. He then pulled back his curtains to see what the weather was like. A raging blizzard greeted him. After a few moments of simply admiring how interesting it looked, Snake closed his curtains and dressed warmly.

Today would be another day of solitude. Lately Snake had gone back into reclusive isolation, which while being a double negative was the only appropriate way to describe the strength of the decision. He had given up on making friends and maintaining any of the relationships with the people he knew. Even he could not explain this troubled remission to his former self. Seclusion had once again become more comforting than socializing. He outright ignored many of the messages he received urging him to stop being so introverted. Campbell must have leaked his phone number at the request of his concerned acquaintances. They found his method of coping with problems to be quite distressing and counterproductive. Snake did not need them. He knew that this was the best way he could deal with all of his inner demons. However, this withdrawal was not without any consequences. Trips into town greatly bothered him since that meant he could be potentially spotted by any of the number of former enemies he had made who magically decided that moving to Alaska was a grand idea. Apparently they had forgiven his attempts to kill them in addition to renouncing their former lifestyles and trying to find solace in this lonely northern state Snake dared to call home.

Though he was unaware of it, Snake had become exceptionally arrogant and vain with himself. But deep down inside past his crusty exterior rich in iron and potassium he could not help but feel a bit detached. His adamant stand on relying only on himself kept that feeling from ever truly showing itself and whenever it did Snake flushed it out with booze. However, he was not completely secluded in the Alaskan wilderness. Snake had a sled team of five dogs that slept in a heated shed at the back of his house. They were the only particular living entities that he cared for and pretty much served as his company since very few people went to Snake's place uninvited. Perhaps the best thing about his dogs was their inability to speak. That was what Snake liked most about them. They did not talk. Animals were cursed to listen wisely, if they listened at all. Snake sometimes found himself admiring this. Silence, especially for him, was golden as it was devoid of annoyance.

Five of his dogs were male and one was female. She had been fixed to avoid the complications of breeding. Blitz was the dominant male of the group and seemed to like Snake more than any of the other dogs on the team. Blitz would often follow Snake around whenever he had a chance to do so. He also accompanied Snake when he was brooding heavily and somehow knew when to warn Snake before he had too much booze and got himself sick. Nikki was the female, and was the easiest of the bunch to handle. Dayne acted as if he was still a puppy and he constantly wanted to play with Snake, which had lead to a few broken appliances and several pairs of damaged shoes. Skyler was an older dog that kept to himself, but he still performed well during the races. Reece was the worst of the bunch and often just wanted to rest even though he could be useful when he wanted to be. They were all huskies, and Snake held each of them in high regard.

Without having to leave his room Snake noticed that the house was gripped by an all consuming cold. His heater had to be on the fritz again and he hadn't yet figured out what caused these constant malfunctions. Snake was usually proficient when it came to fixing things, but his heater was proving to be a great challenge and he refused to hire a mechanic to do the job for him. Buying a new one was also out of the question. Snake made his way to the kitchen so he could make himself some breakfast. This time instead of eating a ration he was actually going to cook something if he still felt up to it by the time he got everything out. While on his way, he noted the door to his shed. He had installed a doggie door a while back so that his dogs could go in and out freely. However, this door varied slightly from the normal model as he'd built it himself. The dog door was made of wood and could be opened or closed on either side. It also had a very strong bolt lock that would prevent his dogs from running about the house if he ever wanted to be completely alone when the thoughts of Big Boss, the Patriots, and FOXDIE consumed him.

Snake could picture his animals all sleeping close to the heater he'd bought for them which, unlike his own, was currently working. When Snake reached his kitchen, he grabbed his toothbrush and some toothpaste and began to brush his teeth. To amuse himself, he looked out of a nearby window and admired the blizzard some more. Nature always had been one of his soft spots. It never did come in handy while he was on a mission, though. No amount of time spent looking at the mountains in the distance changed the fact that he might not come back. Snake walked over to his television and switched it on. He caught his local forecast just in time to learn that the blizzard might go on for a few more hours. He began hoping that he would not get snowed in like last winter.

Snake shuddered when he thought of having to use the C-4 he kept in his shed to get himself out again. The last time he had done that it had almost gotten him killed. Things never quite worked out at home the same way they did in the field. Snake went back into his kitchen and spat the foam in his mouth into the sink and washed off his brush before putting it back in its rack. From that point he knew it was going to be another ordinary day. He had many hobbies to busy himself with, but for now he settled on playing a video game for an hour or two. Being around Otacon had inadvertently gotten him interested in them. Snake's collection was massive. He always viewed this form of entertainment as the best time killer since taking a smoke break. Older games interested him a lot more than newer titles, which caused a paradox when a current-gen game put on six years of age and suddenly became interesting whereas he would have completely ignored it when it was new.

For now, he was torn between a couple of titles. There was Streets of Rage, which he never failed to waste hours on, Splinter Cell Double Agent, which he never failed to laugh at, and any of the games in the Dead or Alive series, which he never failed to lose children to if he were drunk enough. Today, the first choice would win. If Snake knew he could get away with it, he too would prowl the streets at night looking for fights and taking down punks. Unfortunately, the neighboring city was home to plenty of good people. The worst scrap he'd ever gotten in was with a couple of fisherman about a week ago at a bar over a spilled beer. Snake had been really trashed, but to him it was no different than suffering from severe fatigue. Somehow he heard Go Straight playing mystically in the background of his brain as the fight waged on for four minutes with Snake coming as the victor. Yes, today he would try to revive that glorious encounter through the power of suggestion because he could barely remember it otherwise.

Snake sat down on his couch and decided breakfast could wait a little while longer. For now, he felt like taking Blaze out for a spin. If they ever decided to incorporate realistic hair pulling and face scratching into a fighting game with a large roster of female characters, Snake would be in heaven.

"Good morning, Snake." a cultured voice said from behind.

"Speak for yourself." Snake grunted back in reply.

It took Snake's brain five seconds to start working. Someone else was in his house. Uninvited. Snake got up and turned around to face the voice, ready to fight whoever it was he found behind him. His eyes fell on Blitz. It was just Blitz. He was sitting down looking up at Snake as if he was expecting a treat. Snake sighed in relief and sat back down on his couch, thankful that it was just his imagination. Blitz rounded the corner of the couch and looked up at Snake. The voice came again.

"Did you sleep well?" it asked. "Anymore PTSD nightmares? I should hope not."

Snake rubbed his eyes and slapped at his face, trying to get the sleep out. He only heard voices if he was coming out of a really bad nightmare. A few shots of Scotch usually helped him grasp reality and fall right back to sleep.

"Down here!"

He focused on Blitz, who nodded in a manner uncharacteristic of a dog.

"Blitz?" Snake called. "It can't be. . .are you. . ."

"Yes. My, what it takes to get your attention these days. Very well. I shall now proceed to roll over five times for you."

The dog did as it had said it would. Snake's mouth fell wide open, swinging slightly as his jaw adjusted itself appropriately.

"Still unconvinced?" Blitz asked. "How's this?"

Blitz's mouth moved in sync with the words coming out of it on that last sentence. The voice was still the same except now instead of being in his head it was actually coming out of the dog suggesting that Blitz had not only somehow learned telepathy, but he had conquered the limitations of his jaw and tongue and could now manipulate both into producing speech. Snake's eyes got huge and his pulse accelerated. He began sweating in abundance. Snake could almost feel himself turning white. His mind raced for some conclusion but couldn't find any.

_Dogs do not talk._ Snake reasoned. _Big Boss_ _said that so it has to be true._

"My goodness Snake, are you ill?" Blitz asked in a concerned tone, his mouth still moving in an eerie manner.

_That's just wonderful. I'm going crazy._

Snake screamed at the top of his lungs and grabbed his hair in terror. He attempted to sort through the confusion. It was the first time in his life he had ever felt slightly afraid and he was thankful that nobody was around to see it. Nobody but Blitz, but who would he ever tell? Plenty of people, Snake reasoned, as Blitz somehow had magically obtained the ability to speak. All logic appeared to be lost now. His dog had just talked to him and even expressed concern for his well-being. Where was the science behind this? Nowhere. He could be going crazy. Never before had he experienced a hallucination this lucid. It filled Snake with fear, which was something he had avoided his entire life.

"Good heavens, don't ever scream like that again!" Blitz urged. "You'll lose that wonderful voice you have and your lungs will get sore."

"There's a talking demon possessed dog in my house!" Snake yelled at Blitz.

"Where?" Blitz demanded.

Blitz whipped around and put himself in an attack position and searched for the demon dog Snake had mentioned until he realized that Snake was referring to him. Blitz turned around and sat back down on his hind legs and faced Snake once more.

"I suppose that you're talking about me, am I right?" Blitz asked politely.

"Yes." Snake admitted, studying Blitz intensely.

"I'm afraid you've got it wrong. I think you've been reading a little too much Lovecraft again, haven't you?"

"Yeah, with a Stephen King chaser."

Snake felt his body begin to tremble and noticed his left leg was jerking up and down in a nervous twitch. His dog had reacted to what he had said. Impossible. His dog had tried to protect him due to what he had said. Impossible. Now his dog had expressed brainpower beyond its normal reach by turning around and asking Snake if he was talking about him. Impossible. Furthermore, it understood the complexity of Lovecraft, which put it ahead of Otacon and Meryl. Snake realized how poorly he was taking this so he attempted to develop a new perspective on the situation. There was no reason to get so worked up even if he was finally going nuts.

_If I really am going crazy, how will I ever be normal again?_ Snake asked himself.

"Well, have it no matter. As you can plainly see, I am the one who is talking to you." Blitz stated, bringing Snake out of his introspection.

"Stop moving your mouth." Snake commanded.

"I can't very well speak to you if I'm not moving my mouth, can I? I'm afraid I do not have any nanomachines and this is far more comfortable than telepathy."

The mouth moved with uncanny precision. With the shape of the snout and the way the tongue was placed, if a dog could speak at all its speech would be severally impaired and would not sound at all like a normal human voice. Yet there it was right in front of him, moving perfectly in sync with what Blitz had to say in an overwhelmingly grotesque manner. The mouth of a dog was not built for speech. It was fairly disturbing to watch.

"You look like you just gave blood." Blitz observed.

Snake almost lost it once more. He grinded his teeth together and shut his eyes. He even had to hold his breath to prevent screaming again. His lungs began to beg for air, but he denied them the right to have it. He would rather pass out than lose it again, even if it was over a silly dog. It was the purpose of the problem that bothered him. Was he going crazy? Insanity kind of ran in his family. Big Boss and Liquid both had it. Liquid had it a lot worse than Big Boss, though. At least Big Boss almost had a point. Liquid was just whacked. Maybe all of this had something to do with that damn gas outside of Hal's lab or the FOXDIE injection. Snake felt himself turning red and heard Blitz gasp in surprise.

"My word Snake, breathe! Breathe, I say!" Blitz ordered.

He coughed violently and caught his breath, inhaling sharply.

"You shut up right now!" Snake shouted. "I'm just seeing and hearings things today. I am not going crazy! Liquid might have been nuts, but not me!"

Snake sprang from his seat and realized he really didn't have anywhere to run to. He turned to Blitz, eager to fix this problem.

"Okay, fine. What the hell do you want me to do? Should I run to the veterinary clinic and free all of the dogs that are about to be euthanized or neutered? Shall we call that a revolution? Is that was this is all about?" Snake caught himself. "Damn, what the hell am I babbling? You are a bad dog, Blitz! Bad dog! Stop talking to me! I'll rub your nose in it!"

Snake's steam ran out and he took a deep breath, noting that dots were starting to appear in front of his eyes. His head spun and he felt dizzy. Snake could taste metal in his mouth. He looked down at Blitz, who now appeared to be three dogs instead of one. Snake regained his focus but still felt a bit woozy.

"Have I even begun to suggest such a preposterous idea? There's absolutely no need to panic. You need to calm down. I am your friend, remember?" Blitz affirmed.

"Dream!" Snake shouted, snapping his fingers. "That's it, this has got to be a dream!"

Snake then tried everything he could do to wake himself up. He pinched both of his hands until they were purple. When that didn't work he closed his eyes and jerked his head. Whenever Snake had a bad nightmare that dealt with his past or revolved around former trips to Blockbuster he would always close his eyes and jerk his head to the right. For whatever reason, that usually woke him up. But every time he opened his eyes, he could still see Blitz in front of him. He began to realize that his dream theory wasn't holding up and that's when panic tried to get back in. Snake held it at bay and realized that if he played along everything might eventually return to normal. Probably.

In any case, he still felt able enough to think for himself. He wasn't having any crazy ideas about world domination just yet. A while ago when he was in basic training, he'd been required to take a course in resisting persuasion and interrogation. The lessons he'd learned from that class were coming back to him, building up his mental defenses. In a matter of seconds, Snake achieved control of the situation.

"Were you just exercising?" Blitz asked, refereeing to the show he had just seen. "It's good to keep in shape! You never know when Campbell will give away your address again, do you?"

Snake could almost smell the smoke shooting out of his ears due to the strain this entire ordeal was putting on his brain.

"What's going on?" a female voice asked.

Blitz and Snake turned to see another dog heading for them. It was Nikki and it appeared as though she had just woke up.

"Good morning, Amber." Blitz greeted respectfully.

"Indeed. It's beautiful outside, isn't it Joseph?" Nikki asked Blitz.

"What the hell?" Snake said, confused. "Amber and Joseph?"

"Those are our real names." Blitz announced. "Nikki is really Amber and I am really Joseph Theadore Roothmire the seventh. To avoid further confusion, we will call each other by the names you have given us just for today from this point forth. Typically we use our real names so we do not feel owned. Surely you can identify with that?"

He nodded. Something about Blitz's real name triggered a memory. Snake recalled that when he had bought Blitz the dealer said the dog had come from a long line of excellent sled dogs. He tried to find the sense in it, but decided not to be logical anymore. After all, he was now playing along with whatever this horrifying illusion was going to throw at him. Maybe this was one of those things that only happens to a person once. Snake recalled that some animals may experience a seizure at some point in their life and then never have another again. Chickenpox was also something that didn't usually happen twice.

Cabin fever was also a possibility and as Snake remembered its symptoms he started likening it to what he was experiencing now. Unlike going completely crazy, cabin fever could be cured. Despite knowing this, he still could not shake away his pale skin, nervous twitch, and his sweaty body as there still was a faint possibility that this might not go away. Besides, it was freaky as hell.

"Blitz, I heard screaming. Is something wrong?" Nikki asked Blitz.

"Snake reacted with a bit of a shock when I greeted him. That's to be expected, though." Blitz answered.

Snake got up and walked past Nikki and Blitz.

"Where are you going?" Nikki asked.

Snake ignored her. If they really wanted to know they'd follow him and he was sure that they would. Snake wanted to see his other dogs, just out of curiosity. Maybe not all of them would be able to communicate with him. Snake also needed to feed them. So far Snake had been in control for about five minutes and he silently congratulated himself. When he reached the door to the shed, he heard Nikki and Blitz following him from behind. At least they were somewhat predictable.

"Oh, you want to meet the pack?" Blitz asked in an excited tone. "Splendid idea! Go ahead and open the door, we don't bite."

Snake held his breath and slowly opened the door. It opened with a nasty creak and Snake promised himself that he would oil it later if he hadn't shot himself first. Inside, his three other dogs were still sleeping by the working heater. A small lamp was set on top of it to provide the dogs with light should they need it. In the corner to his left was the feeding area, and in the corner to his right was his sled. There was also a large cabinet mounted on the wall in front of him. Finally, a large crate that had a whole bunch of heavy duty weapons was sitting innocently in the middle of the room. Even though his shed had a lot of stuff in it, his dogs still managed to maintain adequate space for themselves. Snake flicked on the light switch to his left and then made a sharp whistle that was meant to pull the pack into action. All the dogs woke up.

"Five more minutes." Reece insisted.

"Oh, boy!" Dayne shouted. "Another spunky fun filled day! I'm ready! I am R-E-A-D-Y! Ready! Semper fidelis!"

Snake's jaw locked. Dayne ran past him in a flash. He was the fastest sled dog, but he wasn't as balanced out as Blitz was. Dayne had to run through the house at least two times in the morning to be happy. Snake allowed it since he'd always viewed it as a warm-up.

"I think Snake needs to give Dayne some downers. Better yet, give those drugs to me." Reece said.

"Get up, Reece." Snake ordered.

"After you put food in my dish." Reece said.

Blitz and Nikki looked at each other silently for a moment. Some unspoken concerns were being addressed between them in that strange language only dogs could hear. She left them. Snake took this as a clear sign that they were plotting against him, but he'd get through this somehow and drink two cases of beer to celebrate his brush with insanity. Snake walked over to the feeding area and served each of his dogs an equal amount of breakfast. He looked at the water dishes and saw they were all still full, so he didn't bother taking them to his sink one by one and filling them up.

"Foods on." Snake announced in a broken tune.

Blitz, Nikki, and Dayne came back into the shed and walked over to their respective bowls, which were labeled. Out of all the things he had taught his dogs he was most proud of how he had trained them to eat. They ate out of their own plates and never bothered stealing, just like little soldiers. Reece finally got up with some personal effort and plunged his snout into his dish. Skyler, on the other hand, was still lying down and he looked ill even from a distance. Snake walked over to Skyler and patted him. The dog responded by blinking a couple of times.

"So, you don't talk?" Snake asked with a smile. "I thought it was contagious."

Skyler was silent for a moment. A slight hint of uncertainty was in his eyes as he looked around. All the other dogs were focused on eating and Skyler appeared to be waiting for them to say something to him.

"Skyler, get with the program." Reece said between chewing his food. "Today's the day Blitz arranged for us to talk with Snake."

"Today?" Skyler's voice had a thick Australian accent. "I thought we were supposed to do this next week Tuesday! Who changed the plan?"

Snake blinked. A plan? His dogs had planned this out? Snake could picture all of them huddled in a circle while he was deep in sleep having dreams about being chased by armed soldiers when all he had to defend himself with was a glass bottle of cappuccino and a bunch of water balloons painted over with a pattern that made them resemble grenades. Somehow they had managed to light the lamp and each dog could only see the other's face. Blitz would be the one leading the discussion while drawing some type of diagram out with his paw while the rest of them nodded in agreement. It was positively absurd. Snake's attention went back to Skyler, who was still lying on his side.

"It's just my luck to be sick today. Today of all days." Skyler groaned. "Karma is a harsh mistress."

Skyler was the unluckiest dog Snake had ever seen. He had hurt himself at least once during every sled race in the past. Luckily he had never gotten a serious injury, but it was still odd. Even at home Skyler occasionally hurt himself by knocking something over or tripping on something. The worst thing that had happened to him was when he fell into a four foot snow ditch, dragging everyone into it along with him and throwing Snake off of his sled and straight into a rock. He couldn't remember what happened after that, but he did win the race. Snake skipped the thought and tried figuring out why Skyler spoke like an Aussie. These huskies were from Siberia, not Australia. Plus, he was sure they'd all been bred in America.

"Why do you speak with an accent?" Snake asked. "I thought Huskies weren't from the Outback."

Skyler glared at Snake like he had been severally offended by that comment.

"Who the hell told you that? I bet it was that Roy Campbell again. He's always lying to you. How can you even think of him as a friend?" Skyler snapped.

Snake heard Reece snicker. Skyler was right, though. Roy had often bent things his way before handing them over to Snake. He recalled Skyler mentioning that he was sick, so Snake got up and opened the cabinet. Inside, there was an abundant amount of dog medicine. Snake took out a particular bottle and a spoon from the bottom shelf. He then returned to Skyler's side.

"How do you feel?" Snake asked.

"Bloody awful." Skyler said. "I think I feel like you do right about now, only I'm more confident about my mental health."

"This couldn't possibly get any worse." Snake muttered to himself. "You should take some of this, then." he suggested to Skyler.

Snake poured a thick black liquid onto the spoon. Skyler groaned in disgust.

"Before I drink that tar you seem to consider medicine, I'd like to suggest that if you're ever feeling a bit weary you have some and then tell us it tastes just fine and dandy while keeping a straight face." Skyler began to explain.

"Just. . .just take it." Snake said. "I'll buy a different brand of medicine the next time I stock up on supplies."

This was the first time Skyler had ever taken medicine willingly. Snake usually had to force it down his throat or trick him into eating something that contained a pill. Skyler opened his mouth and closed it on the spoon and pushed his head up so the liquid would go down. He then gagged and coughed but held back throwing up, since that would only mean having to take it again. When Snake turned to put the medicine away, he noticed all of his dogs were lined up right behind him. Skyler quickly joined the formation. This caused Snake's freak out meter to reach a dangerous level of forty percent. He put the medicine back into the cabinet anyway and faced the group that was closely monitoring him.

An idea suddenly came to him that he wasted no time evaluating. Slowly Snake began to edge his way toward the door. His dogs followed him, not seeming to be any the wiser.

"Are you practicing stalking? You might wish to put that off until later as I'd like to explain exactly why we are speaking to you." Blitz then realized that Snake was heading for the door in a painfully obvious manner. "He's trying to escape! Reece, block the doorway with your body!"

"Why don't you do it?" Reece whined.

As graceful as a retired member of an elite espionage unit could, Snake bolted for the door with complete disregard for his animals. He tripped over Blitz, who tried to block Snake's path with his side. Even when Snake fell over, he didn't choose to give up and crawled his way out of the room, using his foot to slam the door behind him. Snake then locked both of the doors. He began laughing uncontrollably, knowing that he was now free.

"I win!" Snake shouted. "No more talking dogs!"

After the amusement had subsided, Snake began to think. It seemed as though his hallucinations were only effecting his perception of his dogs. Nothing else was out of the ordinary. Now that he was free from what was quickly becoming a great nuisance, he'd have an easier time trying to figure out exactly what his problem was because if Snake could be certain of one thing, it was that this sure as hell had never happened before. Snake felt that a bottle of Scotch would help him sort this ordeal out properly.

"Nobody panic! We'll get out of here." Blitz assured.

Snake gasped in surprise at the determination in Blitz's voice. He backed away from the door and watched it closely. How exactly could a dog open a locked door? A screeching noise came from inside the shed. It sounded like they were dragging something heavy across the floor. Was it the sled? Snake really wished he knew. He walked up to the door and pressed his ear against it so that he might be able to hear what they were doing a little better. They were back to communicating with each other in dog rather than English. A new noise greeted him. The dogs were opening a crate. Rusty nails groaned in protest as they were pried out of the wood. They then removed something from the crate and stuck it on the door. Two switches were flicked that emitted a beep that sounded very familiar to Snake.

He broke out into a cold sweat when he realized that they had taken his C-4 explosives out of the crate and were now going to use them on the door in their effort to get through to him.

"Snake, I'd advise you move about ten feet away from the door! You have ten seconds, starting now!" Blitz shouted.

Blitz then began his countdown. Snake stumbled back in disbelief.

"This can't be happening to me!" Snake growled to himself. "There's got to be a gas leak in here somewhere."

In his mind, reason and self control were beating the living hell out of the threat of insanity. He would not go crazy. Never. This was probably actually happening and he was going to treat it seriously from this point forth. How it was happening would forever remain a great mystery. Snake couldn't worry about that right now. He gave himself a clear objective and that was to find another way to make his dogs shut up without having to shoot them. There had to be some sort of reason for this diabolical situation. Maybe if he actually tried to talk with them they'd finally leave him alone. Snake felt a piston in his brain blow when he thought that one up, but it made sense to him. . .sort of.

"Lemme press the button! Lemme press it!" Reece insisted. "Alright! Fire in the hole, baby!"

The door then blew off of its hinges and flew down the hallway. Snake was directly in its path. Wasting no time he immediately dropped to the ground and put his hands over his head, predicting that the door would miss him. It continued flying down the hall until it hit a wall with a thunderous crash. Snake's ears were ringing. He could smell smoke. Snake peeked over his shoulder to observe the damage for a moment, realizing that if he had not acted so quickly he might have gotten killed.

_That would have looked great on my tombstone._ Snake thought blandly.

He stood up and looked at the smoke rising from the shed's doorway. Blitz walked out and saw that Snake was safe. He breathed a sigh of relief. Reece's laughter could be heard from behind the smoke as well as Nikki's coughing. Snake watched Reece as he rolled over with laughter. This was a positively horrific addition to an already unnatural use of his snout. As the smoke cleared, Snake saw the detonator lying on the floor. The crate had been moved a safe distance away from the blast. If it had gotten caught in the explosion, the damage would have been greater. The fact that his whole house was still intact should have amazed him, but his day was already going bad enough so he chose to blame it on whatever had caused his dogs to talk.

"That was awesome!" Reece chuckled. "Do it again, do it again! Hey, wait! Let's find that Stinger missile launcher and play with it."

"Snake is safe." Blitz announced, ignoring Reece.

"That was a mighty explosion!" Dayne shouted.

"You're all just full of surprises." Snake said. "Explain to me why you're talking. Now!"

"What if we don't?" Reece snapped rebelliously.

"I get violent." Snake retorted in a deeply serious tone. "I'll start with you, Reece."

Reece rolled his eyes. Blitz cleared his throat and began speaking.

"Thank you for finally giving us a chance to explain ourselves. How limited do you think the intelligence of a dog is? I admit that we dogs do not appear to possess much mental capacity beyond sleeping and obsessively burying certain objects, but I assure you. . ." Blitz didn't get a chance to finish his monologue.

"Cut the intro short." Snake snapped. "What's the meaning of all this? More importantly, how can I make it go away?"

"You sure do ask a lot of questions." Reece complained.

"Who asked you?" Snake yelled.

"That proves my point!" Reece pointed out brightly.

Nikki growled and rammed her head into Reece's side, tipping the dog over. Reece rolled over twice before attempting to stand again. When he got back up he had a look of shock on his face. It was as if he couldn't fully accept the fact that someone had hit him for being an ass. Skyler nodded in approval while Dayne began toying with a dust bunny, completely oblivious to what had just happened.

"Look, we've seen the way you live your life. I might go so far as to say we know you better than you know yourself, but that sounds terribly arrogant. In any case, it pains us that we are your only friends. I think that we might be able to help you change that." Blitz admitted. "Do you care enough to give us a chance to share our thoughts about your habits and personal quirks?"

"You're going to tell _me _how to live _my _life?" Snake asked, seeing through Blitz's eloquent speech. "You can't imagine how _extremely _uncomfortable you're making me feel. Besides, what's wrong with me?"

"Plenty!" Dayne admitted. "Oh, no! I said a bad thing! Oh, Snake I am so sorry! I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that. . .well. . .oooh. . ." his eyes brightened up when he noticed a pleasant distraction. "I found another dust bunny! Hooray for Dayne!"

"Calm down, Dayne. Snake, it's not like you can try to stop us." Nikki said. "Sorry, but we do have you outnumbered."

"And we don't ask questions all the time." Reece persisted.

"Will you shut up?" Nikki spat.

"Yeah, Reece. You're mean and stinky!" Dayne chided.

"Outnumbered?" Snake said, almost to himself. "We'll see about that."

If there was one thing Snake could pull out of this entire mess, it was that there was no way in hell he was going to take advice from sled dogs that barked at the sound of snow falling off of the roof, tried attacking the cup of coffee he burned himself with, ate Meryl's goulash, and constantly wandered about the house with no real sense of direction at all. Even though his dogs were an excellent sled team, they were poor individuals he didn't want to socialize with and while they could manage to blow up a door without using thumbs, they would still be vulnerable to a tranquilizer dart from his M-9. He'd feel terrible about drugging them, but he'd feel even worse if this problem continued. Snake went over to his gun cabinet in the living room where the M-9 was kept among some of his other weapons. He prepared to hate himself in the morning for what he was about to do. Blitz didn't try to stop him. When he examined his cabinet he realized why. His M-9 was missing. The darts he kept in the first drawer were also gone.

His M1911, USP, and other lethal weapons were still inside the cabinet. He quickly figured out how his M-9 disappeared. Earlier when Blitz had communed with Nikki, he must have told her to go hide the M-9 just in case Snake went for it. That prevented him from stopping his dogs. He briefly considered driving away, but the weather outside was still terrible. Snake felt anger surge up in him when he realized that his dogs had him trapped in his own house and the reason for it was basically to force him into group therapy.

"I gotta get out of here!" Snake muttered to himself. "I gotta get out of here!"

Snake felt himself start to falter again. Determined to remain calm, he held himself back and focused his attention on how to get out of the trap his dogs had him in. He remembered that they mentioned something about him not having any friends. That wasn't entirely true. He did know a few people, but Snake didn't consider them anything but acquaintances. If he gave one of them a call, that might demonstrate his social competence and convince his dogs to reconsider their former statement. He walked over to his cordless phone, took it from its cradle, and sat down in a nearby chair. As he was searching for his phone book, he noticed that Blitz was watching him patiently with the rest of the pack at his side.

Snake couldn't manage to find his phone book, which made him start swearing. After a full ten minutes of searching for it and providing interesting commentary about the effort he was putting into something so trivial, he'd had enough and sat back down in his leather recliner and tried to figure out where he put the blasted thing.

"Where on Earth did you hear those words?" Nikki blurted out, completely amazed.

"From my old drill sergeant." Snake responded grudgingly.

"Well he's a very dirty man!" Nikki concluded.

"I'm scared!" Dayne admitted in regard to Snake's behavior. His ears were down and his body was shaking.

Snake got up and looked under his recliner. It was the only place he hadn't checked. Naturally, that was where the phone book had been all this time. The only person Snake was sure he was still on speaking terms with was Otacon so he searched for him in the phone book. When he was unable to find Otacon he bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood and began to search for Hal Emmerich instead.

"See, Blitz?" Snake asked. "I do have other friends. The only reason I don't talk to people is because I don't want to. They bother me and complicate my life."

"They're surely good friends if you have to through the phone book in order to find their numbers." Skyler replied with moderate sarcasm. "Sorry, but this doesn't count."

"Look, I have enough to worry about already. Getting old, FOXDIE, the Patriots. . .who can blame me for wanting some more solitude after all I've been through?"

"You're digging yourself into a hole." Nikki said. "This isn't living, Snake."

"You know you're lying to yourself!" Dayne urged. "Snake, embrace the truth. You're more anti-social than Reece."

"Bite me." Reece grumbled.

"What kind of a person plays video games all day, anyway?" Dayne asked. "Do you know how many hours you waste on that? Do something more creative! I bet you could be a painter, but what good would painting do you if you didn't have anyone to share your art with? You haven't even started yet and already you have problems!"

"For shame." Nikki muttered, nodding her head in agreement.

Snake scoffed and waited for Otacon to pick up the phone. He was about to hang up after the fifth ring when someone finally answered.

"Hello?" a deep voice said.

"Otacon?" Snake asked doubtfully.

"No, this is Alfred. I'm his loyal German Shepherd. The master is not in right now. May I take a message?"

"No need to worry, Alfred." Dayne shouted. "Snakie is having a hard time dealing with the fact that we are talking to him!"

"Oh, is that so? You should be happy Snake. It is not every day that we dogs decide that we should speak." Alfred explained.

"That would be wonderful if I didn't know for certain that Otacon doesn't have a dog." Snake retorted.

"Well, I can't argue with that logic! Goodbye!" Alfred said before hanging up the phone.

Snake carelessly tossed the phone aside and sighed in defeat.

_Did Dayne just call me Snakie?_ Snake chose not to dwell on that thought.

"What the hell?" Snake demanded.

"As you can see Snake, we have you beat." Blitz announced triumphantly. "Stop acting like a child and allow us to speak with you for one solid hour. After that, I give you the Roothmire swear that we will stop. Incidentally, as you may have already noticed, we've taken the liberty of hiding your M-9 along with a variety of sharp objects for both of our personal safety."

"You also busted your way out of a shed with C-4 and managed to unlock a gun cabinet." Snake stated blandly as he started to develop a headache. "And here the only other tricks any of you ever got the grasp of before today were fetch, roll over, and don't do that on the carpet."

Snake sighed and got up from his chair. He walked into the kitchen and opened the door to his freezer. There was a case of beer inside that Snake retrieved. Drinking would make this entire situation sting a lot less. Snake went back into the living room and sat down in his chair. He then motioned for his dogs to come forth. It was a command that they happily obeyed. Snake opened the case of beer and took out the first can. He guzzled it down in three gulps and took out another one. He noticed Reece was gazing at him longingly.

"Are you gonna drink all of that?" Reece asked.

Snake ignored him and took another gulp because sipping was for pansies. When he had finished drinking the entire can and half of another one, he felt a whole lot better. Snake managed to pull this off in less than a minute. His dogs were taken aback by his beer drinking superiority. He leaned forward and put both of his hands on his head, noting that the fun was just about ready to begin.

"Tell me why you're talking to me again." he asked silently.

"Because you are a very lonely person, Snake." Nikki said kindly. "We enjoy your presence and want other people to do the same. Unfortunately, you have a couple of hang up's and idiosyncrasies that hold you back."

"Idio what?" Snake asked, bewildered.

"Your cardboard box obsession." Nikki said cleanly.

Snake shot up from his chair and pointed a very strict finger down at Nikki.

"Bad dog! You can talk to me about anything else but that. I'm not giving up cardboard boxes for anyone. I don't care what it costs me. When has my private hobby ever interfered with my personal life?"

"That time you tried to sneak into the theater without paying." Skyler pointed out.

Snake sat back down and reflected on that memory.

"Okay, but that was only one time and I learned my lesson." Snake insisted.

"You told yourself you were going to plan that one out a little better next time." Reece reminded him.

"There will be no next time." Snake assured them, disgusted with the memory. "That was just a terrible idea to begin with."

"But what about the bowling alley?"

"Alright! I'll stop trying to use espionage to avoid paying for entry at certain institutions of entertainment!"

The dogs sighed collectively.

"Somehow I find that hard to believe." Blitz said.

"I have to sneak. It's more than an addiction. It's a way of life." Snake said. "Besides, I got away with it."

"Very well. We shall put that issue aside." Blitz said. "But only that one issue. We have much more to talk about."

"Well then, we've got all day and all night if my luck is shot straight to hell, which at this point it seems to be. Go on." Snake instructed.

"First off, you really must get a handle on that temper of yours." Blitz pointed out.

Snake silently admitted that Blitz had a very good point.

"Do you remember those two children you traumatized?" Nikki asked.

One of the most notable outbursts of his temper occurred during a bored foray into the Shopety-Shop-Shop Mall. After failing massively at the Wii in Gamecrop that had Wii Sports up for free play and deciding the controller scheme just wasn't for him, he wandered into the arcade for some classic joystick action. Arcades were more or less expensive novelties these days, but they still had a place in his heart. He watched some kid own face at Soul Calibur II for the longest time with Maxi until he finally decided to step in and put the poor child's arrogance in check by whuping his ass five consecutive times with Talim. The child accused him of being cheap and made a couple of derogatory remarks about his age that gradually accumulated into an insult of the outfit he was wearing. It was incredibly cold that day. It had been incredibly cold for the entire week. Snake was tired of trying to warm himself with conventional clothing so he had elected to wear his old sneaking suit to the mall.

He felt that it had looked quite normal on him, but then again he was slightly intoxicated at the time and had a bad fever. The insolence the child possessed and absolute ease with which the child used curse words shocked Snake into anger. This kid needed to be taught a lesson or two about insulting a stranger. He grabbed the kid by the throat, hoisted him up in the air, and pinned him to a wall. Snake then threatened the child with inescapable misery if he didn't take back what he said. That's when the security guards started coming for him. He noticed that the kid was wearing a school T-Shirt and he made it a point to remember the name of the institution. Snake then dropped the kid and ran from the security officials, who had a hard time catching him since the sneaking suit wasn't easy to grab.

The following Monday, Snake took out his Walther WA 2000 from his gun cabinet. He also brought along his stealth camouflage clip. Snake drove to the school the child attended and climbed up into a nearby tree, where he waited. It was during the middle of winter. Most of the kids began building snowmen when they were released for recess. He saw the boy come out of a third grade classroom with a girl. Both of them began to build a snowman together while laughing and talking. Snake didn't strike until after they finished making their snowman. He carefully aimed his first shot. As soon as the kid who had made fun of him put a pebble where the nose should be on a face, Snake shot off the snowman's head. Both of the kids screamed in terror as the head exploded into ten pieces. He then shot off the ball of fabric on top of the stocking cap that the boy was wearing.

Both of the kids dove into the snow and tried hiding themselves. Satisfied that they were now even, Snake made his escape. The stealth camouflage clip hadn't malfunctioned during the whole episode, so Snake easily made his way back to his vehicle and fled the scene before the police arrived. Immense guilt later overtook him that evening followed by more drinking than usual.

"I felt that I had to get even with him." Snake said. "I don't believe in hitting children, but sometimes they do something that deserves a strong reprimand. He would have grown up to be worse than Liquid."

"Do you even know what happened to them after you pulled that little stunt?" Nikki asked.

"No, but they can't be too psychologically damaged. At least I hope they aren't." Snake replied.

"Learn to cope with your stress! Whenever I'm angry, I chase a ball or bite my tail!" Dayne shouted.

Everyone shifted irritably even though Dayne meant well. Blitz sensed this and decided it was his duty to break the bad news to Dayne.

"Dayne, I think you might be too young for this."

"Or just too awesome!" Dayne said.

"Yes, you may be right." Blitz said. "Why don't you go take a nap?"

"Okay! That does sound like a pretty good idea." Dayne said happily. "I do like sleeping. I wish there was a faster way to get to sleep so I could get _more_ sleep, you know?"

"Just run headfirst into something." Reece suggested. "That should put you out really quick."

Dayne ran off toward the shed, ignoring Reece's advice. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they were certain he was gone. Blitz then turned his attention back to Snake.

"The problem with stress starts in the mind. When you are angry, you act impulsively. The next time you're in a situation like that, you should think things through. That's what you do when you're on a mission, right? You certainly wouldn't have survived those land mine fields without patience. Changing your attitude isn't easy, but it can be done. If anybody can do it, I believe you can, Snake."

Snake shrugged, but he seemed to get the message. Nikki took Blitz's place in front of Snake. It seemed as though each dog had a separate piece of information for him. Snake couldn't decide if that was cute or creepy.

"Mei Ling." Nikki said simply.

Snake sighed in embarrassment. He had once stalked Mei Ling by following her around in a cardboard box for a week so he could observe what she liked doing. It was far more fun then asking her in person. During the course of his cardboard reconnaissance, Snake learned that she had a boyfriend. He never had an opportunity to see who it was. In the end, Snake felt bad for what he had done because of the secrets he had learned. He never apologized to her for it. She was oblivious to the entire thing. Alcoholism ensued.

"Naomi." Nikki continued.

A quick cup of coffee with Naomi had ended in a heated argument that ended a grand opportunity to put the past behind them and settle their differences. Now they were wary of each other again. It was a pity, too. She was the only person alive that knew how to save him.

"Raiden."

"I should be nice to the people I know, right?" Snake said, taking the hint immediately.

"Especially Raiden."

"Look, I killed all the fish in his fish tank on accident. How was I supposed to know you need to put medicine in the water you add to remove the chlorine?"

"What about the time you stood Meryl up at the movies?"

"She's so damn young I would have felt like her older brother."

"She asked you! How often does that happen?"

Snake shrugged, unable to come up with an excuse.

"What about the time you promised to come save Campbell when his car died?"

"It was two in the morning and I accidentally fell right back to sleep. It's his bad luck that my cell phone died right after he called. Anyway, I get your point. Who's next?"

Reece took the front.

"I can't wait to hear this." Snake said.

"Hey, I still care about you, too." Reece said.

"That doesn't sound rehearsed at all."

"Give him a chance, Snake." Blitz urged. "He meant what he said. He's just too much of an idiot to know what it means."

Reece didn't say anything until Blitz cleared his throat and gave him a glare.

"Buddha once said that if you can't get it from yourself, to whom shall you go to get it?" Reece said.

"Did you get that off of a fortune cookie?" Nikki asked.

"Basically what he's trying to say is that you already have everything you'll need to help you deal with life somewhere deep inside of yourself. I personally think this is the exact opposite of what we're encouraging you to do."

"It's just a way of letting him know that he is more than capable of helping himself." Skyler explained. "He should not do so selfishly, though. That's the point."

"If you say so." Reece said indifferently.

"Do I get to save now?" Snake asked.

"Man, that wore me out." Reece admitted.

Reece jumped on top of Snake's couch and collapsed, heaving a sigh of relief. Obviously he was glad to get responsibility off of his shoulders. Without missing a beat, Skyler took the front.

"To sum up this entire thing, we suggest you try and be a little nicer or we'll have to talk to you again. Think, Snake. You should be out living life up, not waiting until Campbell inevitably needs you on another secret mission and has a S.W.A.T team come pick you up."

"Don't say that, because it's not funny." Snake warned.

"Yeah, it is." Reece said.

Snake threw an empty beer can at Reece.

"Blitz, he's not learning!" Reece said.

"He's just keeping you in line." Blitz said. "It doesn't count."

"I'm going to go pee on something!" Reece threatened.

"Who would have thought I'd get stuck with a dog as wonderful as you after I bought my second pack when I returned from Manhattan?" Snake asked Reece.

"I'll do it!" Reece threatened, lifting his leg.

"I dare you." Snake said, cracking his knuckles.

Reece put his leg back down. Blitz quickly intervened before things got too off track.

"Snake, we want to see you live a happy life." Blitz added. "It's not always about the mission. I know you do have some things that you are perfectly allowed to be concerned about, but that doesn't mean that you have to let them consume you. Don't forsake the people you know. Get out of this house and live your life while you still can so that you have no regrets when your time finally comes."

Even though they were animals, they were right. It was time to stop cutting himself off from the world like a hermit. He had a troubled past, but he could put that behind him. There wasn't really a point in living like he did. Nothing ever changed and life was simply stagnant. The most exciting thing he could remember happening to him recently was successfully making stir fry. That wasn't the way things were supposed to be. He did have people who respected him. Some had even befriended him. Snake realized that he didn't let them in because he was too caught up in doing everything by himself. Normally wanting to be independent wasn't such a bad thing, but he had gone to the extreme.

He had nothing to show for it, other than a very good recipe for stir fry. Perhaps it was time for him to consider changing. He could still retain a bad-ass image if he went out more. Maybe he could even expand on it. In any case, if he failed he'd be able to say he had tried.

"Okay, Blitz. I'll do what needs to be done." Snake said truthfully.

Blitz smiled and nodded approvingly. Reece shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, get out there, Snake. Bitch in one hand, Stinger missile launcher in the other." Reece urged.

"I'll call Otacon again and this time I'll be doing it because I want to." Snake stated.

"Otacon? Dude, he's probably masturbating to Disgaea or something like that." Reece said, bitterly. "Snake, you have some really messed up friends. You know a guy that likes hentai more than he should, a Colonel that rarely tells the truth, a hot Asian chick with a mystery boyfriend, a fiery red head who can barely contain her crush on you, and a dude who has talking dogs. Wait, that's you, isn't it?"

Snake sighed in exasperation and decided to ignore Reece.

"So are we done here, or is there something you forgot to mention?" Snake asked his company.

"We're almost finished. You might want to take a look outside." Nikki suggested.

Snake got up from his seat and headed for his back door. Once outside, he saw that the storm had calmed down a bit. Dog tracks were in the snow and lead to a patch of upturned snow. After some digging, Snake found a large plastic bag containing his M-9 and an assortment of sharp objects. Also included was the repair manual for his heater. Snake had to blink a couple of times when he saw the latter. He'd figured it was lost, but for some reason it had been found by his dogs. Given the nature of the day he was having, this made perfect sense. It made him wonder if his dogs were smarter than he was.

When he went back inside his house, the only dog in the living room was Reece. Everyone else had left.

"Hey, Blitz told me to tell you to. . ." Reece trailed off. "Umm. . ."

"He just spoke to you a second ago, right?" Snake asked.

"Maybe."

"And you can't remember?"

"No, I wasn't listening."

Snake narrowed his eyes at Reece, clearly seeing through the poorly veiled ruse.

"What do you want?" Snake demanded.

"It's more of a need than a want, but could you possibly as a favor maybe shoot me with that M-9?"

Snake blinked, which made Reece even more nervous.

"Because you know how I love downers and everyone said that it'd be a fine way of paying everyone back since we stuck our necks out and spoke with you about stuff and things."

Snake narrowed his eyes at Reece.

"Get back in the shed." He said.

"Snake, sometimes I don't think I can live the life of a sled dog!" Reece blurted out. "I need something to help me because I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. You expect too much work out of me. What if I told you I really wanted to herd sheep instead?"

"I'd say you're full of shit."

"This is animal cruelty. You're keeping me from what I really want to do. I'm going to call Animal Planet and tell them what you've done to me."

"Yeah, and the cops are going to look you over and find absolutely nothing wrong with you except that you might be a few pounds overweight. What a tragedy it is that I feed you so well when other dogs have to eat their own waste to survive. Get back in that damn shed!"

Reece whined and then did as he was told. Snake put the plastic bag on his coffee table and picked the phone up from the carpet and hit redial, patiently waiting for Otacon to answer. Snake heard someone answer and he held his breath momentarily.

"Hello?" Otacon said.

"Otacon, let me come over to your house." Snake demanded.

"What?" Otacon said.

"I know its sudden, but I want to hang out. Like right now."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"To tell you the truth, no. My dogs have been talking to me all day. They've told me to get out more and if I don't, they'll continue to bother me."

Snake took the heater manual out of the bag and began to page through it, noting that certain sections detrimental to the repair job had been circled or highlighted. He hadn't done that. Snake bit his tongue to stifle a whimper.

"Is there a gas leak in your house?" Otacon asked.

"That's what I thought, but I really don't know." Snake said. "What's even worse is they had a point and if you tell anybody I told you about this, I'll. . ."

His dogs began barking and snarling loudly from inside his shed. Snake cleared his throat.

"Let's just keep this conversation between us." Snake requested.

The dogs quit making noise.

"I'm up for anything. What do you want to do?"

"There's some stuff happening later tonight, but nothing is really going on right now. I suppose we could start by watching some anime. You like that sort of thing, right?"

"I might as well start to now." Snake said under his breath. "And thanks for not calling me crazy. You wouldn't believe how off today's been."

He stopped and caught himself. That was one of the very few times he had ever willingly thanked someone. It felt like having the best blue margarita in the world and not vomiting, although he wouldn't dare admit it.

"Hey, anything can happen if you seclude yourself." Otacon said. "You can lose touch with reality or something like that."

"So you're sure that I'm not crazy?" Snake asked.

"Do you think you are?" Otacon asked.

"Yes."

"Then you're not. Trust me on that one. Well, I guess I'll see you when you get over here."

"Yeah, I guess you will."

A moment of silence passed between them.

"Okay. That's fine. Later." Otacon said at last.

Snake turned off the phone and put it back in its cradle. It felt good knowing that someone actually wanted to see him. Snake realized that he didn't have to be a jerk to friendly people. He only had to hate the loons that stole a giant mech and threatened the world with it. People in general were still stupid, but his friends were his friends. He looked in the direction of his shed.

"It looks like they were right." Snake said with a smile. "Thanks, Blitz."

He decided to put his items away later and pay Otacon a visit now, since the weather outside seemed somewhat safe to drive in. That's what he told himself, anyway. On the way out, he grabbed a ration from his refrigerator to eat while he drove. As he got into his car and headed over to Otacon's house, he felt happy for the first time in months. But he failed to realize one thing. The door to the shed was no longer resting in the hallway where it had been blown into. It was back on the frame, completely intact. Furthermore, the plastic bag containing the items had mysteriously vanished. The owner's manual to the heater, however, could still be found underneath the chair right next to where the phone book had been. From the naked eye, it would seem as if nothing had occurred at Snake's home that day.

About a minute after Snake left, a figure appeared in his home. The visitor was dressed in a trench coat and was wearing a gas mask. He looked towards the shed, nodding in approval.

"Good dogs. . .just like that." he said.

Before leaving, Psycho Mantis stole a beer from Snake's fridge. He then vanished without another word, leaving Snake's home gripped in an eerie silence.

**X**

"I figured you were behind this." Otacon said.

He was on the phone with Mantis, a person he seemed to call every other day for a variety of reasons. Otacon was looking outside his window, hoping Snake would arrive after he'd finished having the current conversation he was engaged in.

"Of course. I gave him the kick in the balls he needed." Mantis responded. "A man like Snake is impossible to break physically. Threaten his sanity, however, and he'll go as so far as to bake you a cake. Or make stir fry."

"That's a stupid metaphor."

"If we're going to start calling each other names, I'll pull your file out and give you a flaming that you'll never forget."

Otacon gulped and didn't stand up to the threat. After a near death experience and a harrowing trip back into the real world coupled with a few operations to reconstruct his face, Mantis had a slight change of heart and had opened up a psychiatric institute. At least that's what he preferred to call it. Some people didn't bother following the tricky enunciations found in those two words and instead replaced them with shrink farm, which was easier to say in conversation. Nobody asked how Mantis had opened up his business and secured a license to practice psychiatry. Anyone who did wound up trying to sell fictitious shows that were on blank VHS tapes to college students until they were brought back to their senses. They couldn't remember how they had gotten there. Mantis denied responsibility for this. His business was relatively new, and Otacon had been one of his first patients. He suffered from an anime addiction and low self-esteem.

As for Snake, Mantis had never been fond of his attitude. The instant they first meant, Mantis was very much convinced that Snake was simply an ass. Later on he added _hole_ into the equation which strengthened just how poor Snake's attitude was. It was one thing to be an _ass_, but when someone was an _asshole _that was an entirely different playing field with a new set of rules. That was something he wanted to change. Mantis had been manipulating Snake's mind and his dogs the whole time. He decided to keep the individual personalities of the animals intact as they seemed to serve his purpose even if Skyler did have an Australian accent.

It seemed as if his plan had worked. Mantis figured Snake needed to get out more and so did everyone else except for Ocelot, but nobody actually took him seriously except for one kid he'd spoken with when he agreed to play Santa Claus for the mall a year ago, but that was another story entirely. In any case, the result of his work was yet to be seen. Otacon saw Snake's Ford Contour pull into his driveway. Snake got out of the car and noticed a stray dog across the street. He ran for Otacon's front door and tripped into a snow drift.

"Mantis, he's here." Otacon said.

"Excellent." Mantis said. "Don't make any sudden movements around him. I'll call you back tomorrow afternoon to see how things went."

"He looks pretty bad right now." Otacon interjected. "He's running away from a stray in what seems to be a mild state of panic."

"If he develops a phobia of dogs, I'll be able to help him. Last week I managed to convince this one guy to stop buying women's panties and go out and get himself a real woman. He had hundreds of panties. I've been to his house and it was a weird experience. The guy had an obsession. A possession obsession! Anyway, I got him to quit and earned myself another satisfied customer."

"I still have problems." Otacon complained.

"Do you want me to dive you?"

If conventional medicine or words couldn't solve the problem, Mantis was capable of fixing the problem by directly manipulating their mind. Once inside, he was capable of pulling the weed out by the root, so to speak. Normally this form of treatment was incredibly expensive, by he had offered Otacon a discount. Otacon was still reluctant to accept the offer.

"That's what I thought." Mantis said, taking Otacon's silence as an answer. "Watch Snake. I'll talk with you later, Otacon."

He hung up. Snake was already banging on the front door furiously

"Let me in!" Snake demanded.

Hal looked out the window and saw that the stray was happily bounding toward Snake. Otacon quickly opened his front door to let Snake in and was surprised to see that he'd suddenly left. There were footprints leading from Snake's car to the front door, but Snake himself was nowhere to be found. The stray, however, ran around in circles briefly before going about its way. Otacon heard someone grunt above him and saw Snake jump from the roof. He landed in a drift.

"Son of a bitch!" Snake shouted, although his voice was a bit muffled.

Hal was somewhat perplexed at how Snake had gotten on top of the roof because it would have taken one hell of a jump. Given the circumstances, adrenaline probably had fueled Snake's leap. Otacon trudged through the snow and grabbed Snake, carefully leading him into his house. Once inside, Snake dusted himself off on Otacon's welcome mat.

"So, what's the plan?" Snake asked casually. "A little bit of anime and then a trip to the bars, perhaps?"

"I figured we'd watch about ten minutes of the first episode of A Certain Kind of Railgun and then do something you're more familiar with because I don't think you'll be able to stand a whole episode. I've got Mahjong and Othello."

"To hell with Othello. Mahjong is neat." Snake said. "Which variant?"

"The Japanese one."

"I should have known."

"I've also gotten some calls from FOX-PALS. There's a lot of stuff going on tonight. You get along with Raven, right?"

Snake grimaced.

"FOX-PALS? What the hell is that?"

"It's made up of everyone you know and a few people you don't. Basically anyone who's belonged to some type of mercenary organization can get in. We're very careful with who we recruit. It's a pretty exclusive group. A couple of posers somehow got in a while ago, but we fixed that problem. Meryl thought up the name, in case you're wondering."

Snake stretched himself out on Otacon's fancy couch. There were two other couches in Otacon's living room. Their placement resembled a U and each couch provided a good view of the plasma TV Hal had. He also owned a Dolby Surround Sound system. The lighting in the living room was controlled by a dimmer switch and there was a large table in the middle of the area where drinks and food could be placed. This seemed like the perfect spot to have a movie night. Snake was a little jealous as this living room outdid his own.

"Meryl would think of a name like that." Snake said.

"At least it fits." Otacon said.

"True. By the way, I think I could stand being around Raven."

"He's good in small doses."

"Just like LSD. What's he doing now?"

"Playing a game of Frisbee golf."

"In this kind of weather?"

"Don't you remember? He enjoys being outside without a shirt when the temperature is below zero. Anyway, he's teaming up with Ocelot later. They're going to see how long it takes to get kicked out of Wal-Mart and then follow it up with bowling. They invited me to go along with them and I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you came. After that everyone is probably going to come back here and drink. Meryl, Campbell, Olga, the usual crew. I have the best house for parties out of everyone here. That's what I get for being good with science and technology."

"Sounds promising."

This was more enjoyable than taking apart a lava lamp. He finally began to accept the notion that this was better and healthier for him. It had taken him a while to get to this point, but at least he was finally where he needed to be. When he got home, he was going to feed his dogs treats until they couldn't move. As the opening of A Certain Kind of Railgun began, Snake blinked in confusion.

"What the hell is this? Taiwanese?" Snake asked Otacon, not immediately recognizing the language.

"_Japanese_ anime." Otacon said.

"Whoops."


End file.
